embracing shame
When I first dipped my toes into the world of eating disorders as a clinician, I was taught to banish shame from the room like a mischievous gremlin. The idea was to validate clients' feelings and behaviors, quickly sweeping the shame under the rug and moving on. But I quickly came to understand when integrating RO DBT into my practice that shame isn’t the villain we’ve made it out to be.
Let me paint you a picture from my own life. Picture this: I’m standing in my living room, looking at my muddy trail I left earlier on our brand new rug. (POV your kids are buckled in their carseats and your infant is screaming and taking off your shoes to run in for the thing you forgot is simply not an option). Naturally, I did what any rational person would do—I blamed it on our dog, Mochi. I told my partner that Mochi was the culprit behind the mess. Classic move, right? I thought I’d dodged a bullet and avoided feeling guilty since I had made quite a fuss about shoes in the house literally two days before…
But then, as the topic of Mochi came up again later that evening, I couldn’t hold it in. It was time to come clean. Admitting that I had tracked mud in and tried to pin it on Mochi felt a bit childish—embarrassing, but necessary.The result? My partner was totally understanding, especially given that we could share a laugh in my own embarrassment. Another thing happened here, and it’s something we don’t often take into consideration when shame or guilt is in the picture; our relationship grew stronger in that moment. Who knew that a little honesty, and showing embarrassment could go such a long way?
This little episode taught me that shame can actually be pretty useful. Instead of trying to banish it, maybe we should be learning to dance with it. In session, this means gently pointing out when a client’s actions don’t quite line up with their values or valued goals that they’ve identified. For instance, my client admitted to me her feelings of guilt for lying to her partner about having eaten dinner to protect her eating disorder and restrict instead. We want to help our clients see how their behaviors (especially the eating disorder behaviors) might not align with their values—like honesty and trust.
Shame, when viewed through this lens, becomes less of a foe and more of a quirky sidekick that helps us get back on track with what is more important in our life. It’s like that friend who tells you that you’ve got spinach in your teeth—it’s a little awkward, but ultimately helpful.
So, instead of banishing shame, let’s invite it in for tea. By acknowledging and understanding it, we can use it to realign our actions with our values and live more authentically. Whether it’s owning up to muddy footprints or helping clients navigate their own moral compass, embracing shame can lead to growth, connection, and a few good laughs along the way.